I cannot accurately say when my last post was, nor can I accurately depict when the last time I wrote was. I can accurately say, however, that it appears that life had gotten the best of me, and swallowed me whole. I lost track of what I was currently doing, what I wanted to be doing, and only focused on what I needed to be doing. Life is slowing down a bit, and my priorities are beginning to shift yet again.
2019 comes to a close tomorrow, and what a whirlwind of a year it has been. I returned to my home with my husband after a rigorous separation, my son turned one, my family fell apart, and I changed jobs – twice. I was involved in two car accidents, one of which totaled my reliable car, but resulted in me finally purchasing my dream car. I lost my best friend because he recognized that we were growing in different ways, but in the same move, my other best friend had her first, precious baby. I lost a lot, but I gained some more. I celebrated other people with vigor, and I celebrated my small victories. 2019 was a year marked by my efforts to push like hell, and hope that some of my efforts made a difference in some way. I don’t believe too much in the “new year, new me” belief system, but I do believe in time, and I hope that the future will present me with opportunities that I am unafraid to take chances on.
Many of the changes that I endured this year were not becuase I chose them, but because I had to face them – I was nearly pushed in to them. Rather than refuse change and decide to run or remain obstinate, I chose to rise to the occasion and grow. I had been trying to say goodbye to so many feelings, relationships, and faulty ways of thinking for so many years that I had succumbed to the idea that I simply needed to learn how to live with it rather than move on, but this year beat that out of me. This year presented me with the most necessary goodbyes, and even my nostalgic is accepting this change as positive.
This year was filled with growing pains, but in the same way that you do not have a choice in those experiences, I did not have a choice in growing. Though it was not the year I predicted, it’s spontaneity taught me to stop planning for myself, and start betting on life instead. I live a little more now, and that’s a good place to be.