I want to be concise, but I have not been able to decide on a topic. I have run through the “c” words, and none of them hit me hard enough to actually convict me to make a decision.
I ran through:
C is for caring
C is for change
C is for choices
C is for contradictions
C is for condolences
C is for… cannot make a damn decision
The truth is, too much change has happened in the recent months, that all of the above could be something I could talk about in great length. I have cared too much, I have had to make too many choices. My feelings have contradicted themselves far too much, and I have offered my condolences to everyone around me, but I just realized and deeply recognized that I have not offered my condolences to myself for all of the events that have occurred as of late.
So to myself, last year, as well as the past couple of months: I am sorry.
I am sorry for the ways that your heart was broken and you could not find a cure. I am sorry for the ways that you could not find a way to rest within the chaos, and I am sorry for the ways that you could not find it within yourself to know that you deserved better. I am sorry for the way that you secluded yourself because it was the safest way to be; you deserved to speak and stand and be known. I am sorry for the way that the revelations of your life came to you all at once, and you were left to understand the wreckage, and sift through the emotional rubble that was compiling on top of you. I am sorry for the ways that you did not recoil and seclude yourself, but found yourself alone anyways. I am sorry for the ways that your past and your present collided, and you could not find solace in either. I am sorry that the unknown had to become your home, and every bit of love you had thought that you knew no longer existed. I am sorry for the ways you accepted so many things beneath yourself in an attempt to feel some type of love, some type of belonging, some type of help. I am sorry that this was your only sense of “okay.” I am sorry that everything you have fought to be, you settled for, just to feel some type of control over your life – even if it was a false control. I am sorry for how many times you were relentless with your “I’m sorry’s,” “I miss you’s,” and “I love you’s;” despite the abuse and the rejection you were receiving on the other end. I am sorry that you watched life plummet before your very eyes. I am sorry that you were dealing with life on your own, yet again. I am sorry that you allowed yourself to believe every lie you were ever told, and even worse you laid your head on that. You hung your hat on that. You banked your truth’s on that. I am sorry for the pillow you rested your head on, and whom you rested it on with, because neither one deserved you. I am sorry for the restless nights, and the pointless days, where you rambled about without much purpose, and your real purposes no longer mattered. I am sorry for the poor love that you accepted in an attempt to learn how to love yourself again. Dear girl, no one can love you as well as you can.
I want to offer you my condolences to what you allowed yourself to endure, and I want to offer you closure in the future. I know you don’t feel it now. I know you still feel the sting of the words that were spoken over you, and the actions taken against you, and the overall pain that you came to know. When you are ready, and life is ready, you will feel closure. I hope that for you.
In the meantime, my condolences for not protecting you better; I will do my best to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Fate can’t have any more arrows in its quiver for you that will wound like these. Who was it that said it was astounding how deepest griefs can change in time to a sort of joy? The golden bowl is broken indeed but it was golden